i feel like i'm losing everyone that matters the most. i feel like i'm losing it. i haven't felt this alone in a while. it just makes me question what i did, or what didn't i do. am i being a shitty friend, a shitty person? yeah, i do enjoy being alone over being with other people, but sometimes bieng alone gets terribly lonely. i'd like company once in awhile.

i feel like breaking down, crying and pouring my heart out.
and at this point, i have absolutely no one to confide to, not even this dumb blog.






...and i'm scared...

sad face/

i wish i could have you back in my life.










fuckingshitassmotherfuckingdickcockshiftfuckfaceassofasunofagundipshitfuckface.

"you are what you believe you are" -CSLewis

TTH hum20 9:30-1050

TTH math 11:00-12:20

TTH hum1 1:00-3:00

TTH poli sci 7:00-9:50

MTWTHF psych 126 online

MTWTHF mus 1 online

possibly the best schedule i've had by far. 2 easy online classes and supposedly great teachers. can't wait for school to start (:

BUT

spring semester=hell! 8 classes. FUN STUFF right there. shit i won't be having a life in a couple months.

BUT 

i'm incredibly and surprisingly optimistic at this point in time.

 

please

take your own advice.

...a week and counting.

in distressed.

so sometimes i find myself crying at random.  even when i seem like i'm preoccupied with something else i always end up tearing up on the spot. 

...? i don't know. 

my post for the month?

sorry for my bad mood lately...

and my negativity and my overall lack of emotion. apathy's been my game these past few weeks. i'm at that point again when i feel like nothing is going right and that every possible bad thing has happened to me. don't get me wrong there's been a few moments of gratitude and absolute contentment. however, my somber moments have without a doubt supersede my happy moments. and i know this time will past and that sometime soon or far i will be back to my 100 watt smile. but can that time please come sometime around...well, now. i'd like for that to happen, cause i'm making me sick. i feel paralyze, specifically emotionally. try to make me smile for longer than a second and i'll love you forever. a sincere smile, please. i miss those. this past month has been a bitch to me, hopefully school will turn this all over and i will move on pass all this torment i've experience this month. i don't know if i need something new, something exciting, but nevertheless somethinggg needs to happen. i feel like i'm loosing it all. like i'm loosing myself. conversations between best friends are becoming shorter and shallower. relationships are ending. families are breaking apart. and i'm falling apart. i feel so distant with everyone including myself. stress is getting the best of me. but i know it's just one of those months. nothing i'm not use to. nothing no one is not use to. but i guess this is what blogs are for right? vent in a proper, adequate manner. 

so there it is. 

here we are again

is demi lovato secretly my twin sister?

i want to be mad at you, i should be mad at you, but i can't. i can't seem to get myself to say bye. i can't seem to just let it go, let us go. i can't figure out if you and i should continue, or if i should just cut it now before it turns out the way we both always saw it to be. but i can't. i like you too much. i couldn't give you up just yet, there's so much i have yet to learn, yet to figure out. but maybe this big argument is suppose to foreshadow a future event or maybe it's something that we can both learn from. and i sure as hell hope it's the latter of the two.
you're so hard to understand, it's like pulling teeth to get you to tell me how you really feel and i know i'm not any better and i'm just the same way. but i'm trying. i'm trying to not hold back, i'm trying to get this communication thing just right and i think that at this point, our lack of communication is the source of all our arguements, all our little attitudes and rages. and if we can't get that right, how can we get us right? i don't think it's possible, without communication...well there's really nothing there then.
i crave attention, i know and you know. sorry, but i'm a girl. and yeah, sometimes i just want you to tell me you care.


ok well bye, i'm too mad and frustrated to finish this.

fuck this.

annoyed. mad. frustrated. depressed. sad. lonely. disappointed. pissed.

how does one person make me feel all these emotions at one time.


but mostly i'm sad that ...













overrrrrrrrrrrrrr :/

over it.

i'm over this lifestyle i've created for myself. this past week has been hell, all due to my bad habits and lack of motivation. there i was crying every chance i got. why? because i like to screw around and take my blessings for granted.
but i'm done. i'm over it. afterall, they do say that each second is an opportunity to turn your life around--well this is mine.

starting fall semester:
-work 8 hours a week.
-bust my ass in school.
-attempt to fully understand physics and actually pay attention this time.
-transfer out.
-figure my life out.
-more studying, less clothes.
-don't substitute clothes for happiness.
-prioritize. prioritize. prioritize.
-grow up.

an apology.

i'm sorry that i'm a dumbshit.
an asshole.
a dumbass.
a dickhead.
a motherfucker.
a fuckface.
and pretty much all infinite amount of synonyms to all of the above.
i made a mistake.
i screwed up.

but i promise that sometimes actions DON'T speak louder than words or feelings.
because i know i messed up everything we could've been.
i hate alcohol, i hate impulsiveness.
and i know i can't do anything to reverse my actions, but i genuinely am sorry.
because my feelings for you aren't a lie.

i'm sorry.

of course...

it's like when you start to feel like everything's falling in its place, and all of sudden you're back to square one. back to the same old fuck my life routine.

why does it always have to be like that?

maybe it's cause i put so much hope in that you would complete me...
or that i gauge my level of happiness on our relationship...
why is that i care so much...
aren't i suppose to try to make me work...
or am i just naive...


p.s. i'm over it.

p.p.s. i think.

an ode to really long blogs.

it's been summer for a few weeks now and at this point i feel like it's going to be a summer i'll never forget. a lot of good things are happening in my life; a lot of good memories, a lot of good relationships, and a lot of discoveries.

as for memories, i've already learned to appreciate orange county and all the wonders of not living with parents. i've learned that you only start to learn a lot about yourself when all the things and the people you've been accustomed to aren't physically and sometimes emotionally there for you. you learn that in the end, all you've got is yourself to make you happy. all you've got is yourself to impress. you realize that eventually you've got to learn to stand on your own two feet. and even though i'm only 19, i think i'm starting to see it. the struggles, the suffering, but above it all, the hidden beauty of life.

i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss all the temecula people, because the truth is that it hurts to not see them for this long. afterall, they are my childhood, my memories, my youth, my laughs, and my smile.
and as for my best friends, i realllyyyy miss them. i saw rachele for the first times in months, and as we both layed in bed staring at each other, reflecting on the present, all i saw was quite possibly the bestest friend i've ever met. i know it's hard on both of us to only see each other months at a time, but at the same i know that she'll always be there for me. it's a feeling i can't describe, but there's so much of me that only she would ever understand. all my fears, and my tears, all my regrets, all my subconscious feelings of remorse; only she will ever understand.
and as for vanessa, jesus i miss you. it's ridiculous that we use to only live 20 minutes from each other and we still only managed to see each other once or twice a month. but i know that's all going to change in 2 months. and thank god for that, really. you keep me sane and you keep me smiling. and i will definately need that this next year.
and as for _ _ _ _ _ _, all i can i do is ever smile when i see you or even hear your voice. and i really hope things will work out between us. because for once, i don't want to let go, and for once i don't want it to be temporary. and sometimes, i try to reason myself out of you and i. but i know it's just me being scared. for what exactly? i sure as hell don't know. but despite all my fears, i'm ready for a change, i'm ready to let you in.

temecula, oh temecula. it'll be a year since i've left you for orange county. a year since i left all i ever knew. the people, the places, the memories. and as each day passes, all the memories become so distant.





...i don't know. i don't really want to say much on this blog. i'd rather keep it to myself.

i think i like you

so what am i so afraid of...


that you are genuinely a nice guy.
that for once, i don't intentionally push you away.
that you were that one person who allowed me to get over him.
that you live an hour away.
that i'm going to get hurt.
that you're not like the others.
that i feel so remarkably safe in your arms.
that for once, i want to make it work, but i just don't know how.
that i'm afraid of what's next





...

i had a dream

last night that involved me crying up a storm and when i woke up my whole face was consumed with tears. 

what the hell, weird. 

i don't like this.

today was a good day. explored and shopped. and ucla sigmaphi party tomorrow night. can't be as bad as ucsd's "/

and then temecula and san diego afterrrr. i'm loving summer so far. just doing whatever cause i can. cause it's summer (:

"cause in the end the ash falls of the cigarettes, the sun still sets.."

so after a talk with a friend last night, i couldn't stop thinking about our conversation. he said that eventually things usually work themselves out the way it's meant to be. but what if all the things that i hope are still going to do this whole "work themselves out" really have nothing left to work themselves out. what if that was the end. i put so much hope into something that may or may not even exist. what if that was the way things were meant to be. how do you ever know. how are you suppose to know. i wish there a sign with these kind of things. and i know that your not suppose to ever know. but why not.
it takes so much just to have faith in something, in anything. to believe that everything will be alright...that life's got your back. to have faith is to have so much strength, so much acceptance, so much gratitude.

fucking shit.

it's wednesday 12:23 in the afternoon and my 40 page paper is due in less than 6 hours and i'm freaking the shit out. fuck me, considering i've been procrastinating for weeks now andddd the paper was even posponed a week. damn me. fuck. fuck. fuck.
sorry, but i'm stressing out and i'm really doing absolutely nothing to make it go away (including not doing it). i feel like giving up, but i can't. just one more week. i can do it. hopefully.
i'm going home this weekend. it'll be a nice break, even if i still have 2 finals to study for. both of which i NEED to do good in or i'm screwed. i feel like in regards to academics, everything is going to hell. i need to straighten myself out and get my shit together.
i'm doing worse now. it just keeps getting worse and worse as the days dread on by. hopefully, i can learn to motivate myself and suck it up. i'm 19 now, i need to learn.
fine, i'll start at 12:45 :/

p.s. sorry for all the french words.

friends?

I hate that one hour of one day can change the outcome of all things to come. I hate that one action can effect the relationship between two people. But most of all I hate that I lost a good friend. I hate that I can’t even simply talk to you without any awkward pauses or moments of hesitance.
After all that’s happened, I’d hate to give up, even if you already have. I admired you so much as a friend and even more as a person. I hate that I’ve lost someone that I always thought that would be my friend for years to come. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to it, go back to that instance, that hour that became the end of our friendship. The end of something I still do cherish.
But I guess I can’t do much. Because I know as much as I try, it is what it is and I can never go back to the past, to how it use to be. Accepting it seems impossible. And what’s worst is that I can’t even grasp that concept in of itself. Because I don’t know why we couldn’t just let go of what happened and just move on. It’s weird, cause I was still conscious during that instance, yet I would have never fathomed what it would’ve done. Talk about ignorance. WOW KIMBERLY.

work.

so it's 4:31am right now, and I'm in the coffee bean parking lot waiting for my coworker to NOT be fucking late. no sleep tonight :( HOWEVER, i'm glad people stopped by tonight. it made me smile A LOT. ok ew, he's here. gross.

yes yes yes.

may 6, 2009.
so when did it suddenly become may? i swear it was just january 1st yesterday.
with less than 3 weeks left of school, excitement overwhelms me. with school being the exception, everything's been surprisingly great. well, what's the catch? usually, there's always something wrong, something out of place. but i think the good days are here to stay. maybe, hopefully. i need it. i need this summer to be worth all the shit that went down during the school year. i just want to be carefree, i just want to be a "teenager." i don't care if i'm too old to act immature and make mistakes. fuck it. my smile and laugh calls for the bright sun and hot heat waves. after all, this is southern california. this is what its known for. the beach and shaq black tans. new place, new housemates, new friends. what can go wrong. and everyone will be back from college. yes (: 3 months of california heat. no worries.


summer sessions should be tolerable, and working=money. which i'm definately in need of.

summer to-do list:
-six flags at least once
-beach at least 293727 times
-san francisco 1. 2. 3. times
-get myself to jog 8 miles non-stop.
-go to temecula at least 3 times a week.
-save up $2000.
-roadtrip along all of pch.
-canoeing.
-ride a ferris wheel.
-ace my summer classes.
-get a haircut.
-surprises surprises (;
-housewarming party.

...to be continued...

two thousand and nine.

this summer will be the best. i can feel it.
i'm just going to live and let live.


and keep making memories.






countdown to the first summer of college.

the past has passed.

cheesy.



this year has been crazy, both good and bad, i suppose.
i've been recently thinking what if i didn't dp? what if i was still in it 'til in the end? where would i be now? would i loose all the friendships i've learned to adore and cherish? or would i be able to handle both? chances are i'd loose friendships i always feared of loosing. but sometimes i feel like, even though i did dp, i still lost them anyways. and i hate to be that person that is constantly reflecting on the past, but it's too hard to forget all the moments that kept me alive with all those people that kept me going. i was happy, and i still am today. just with everything that's going on, all the chaos, all the stress, it's harder to see the positives--to see the light. it's so easy to focus on all the negatives, that we overlook everything else. why can't we all just smile and suck it up?


this past year has been pretty epic. i've learned so much about relationships, both friendly and intimate. i've had those lows and those highs, those moments where i felt infinite and untouchable and moments that i felt my sanity slipping away. but after all that's happened, i wouldn't take any of it back. i did so much shit i thought i would regret and be shameful of, but fuck it, it's a part of growing up. it's a part of evolving into the person i ultimately want to be.

well, this blog is kind of gay, but i figured maybe i should get back to this instead of trying to avoid it, life is going at a slow pace right now, a lot of resting and a lot of reflecting.


<-a tribute to old memories.

you.

thoughts:
#1. school is nearing an end, it's absolutely ridiculous how fast this year went by.
#2. it's unfortunate to realize that in a few years, the terms "summer vacation" and "winter break" will be nothing short of a mere childhood memory.
#3. i love 4:30 am shifts?
#4. i miss you. you know who you are. well, i doubt you'd want to admit it.
#5. go mccain (:
#6. i have a 25 page SINGLE SPACED, and another 20 page SINGLE SPACED paper to write in the next two weeks. fuck my life. almost ONE HUNDRED PAGES doubled spaced about fucking technology. what the shit is wrong with my professor. fuck fuck fuck.
#7. sorry, but really. what an asshole.
#8. i'm trying to be a better person. i promise; less selfish, less condescending, and less materialistic.
#9. it's really hard to not not dwell on the past and to accept things/situations for the way they are.
#10. because if i had a choice, (or even a chance) you'd still be my friend. because in case you didn't notice, i care and always will continue to.
#11. i miss the convenience of the internet and the t.v.
#12. i'd rather keep a diary, but i always end up stopping after the first entry.
#13. and if i were to keep one, it'd be more blunt, more cursing, and more realshit.
#14. i really CAN NOT wait for summer.
#15. $35=death cab. worth it? mmm, probably not considering i don't even like them. BUT...
#16. ...
#17. he's cute.
#18. a pet peeve of mine would be when people constantly have to boast of how "independent" or "different" they are. is it because you strive to find qualities that culturally are anointed as "unique" or "not conforming?" why can't you just like what you like because you like it?
#19. because if it were that easy, everyone would be a "non-conformist." but shouldn't it take more than just a simple "i like ___, because no one else does." do you even like ____? just be you, if you even know who you are.
#20. friends and acquaintances. chances are--you're the latter. meaning, you don't know anything about me, except the judgments you have previously made about my self-established facade.
#21. i'm really proud of my brother. it's so nice to see him smiling all the time.
#22. i'm doing really bad in school :(
#23. i don't want my parents to move to northern california. i'd miss them too much.
#24. i miss you.

(:

i'm starting to see it who really is there for me.

hello.

This past week has been a breathe of fresh air. I don’t think I’ve been this happy in so long. I can’t stop smiling. Because for once, I spent this week pleasing myself, doing things I wanted to do, and seeing places I wanted to see. I spent this week out of comfort zone, away from what I would consider my norm. Maybe it was because I was on spring break. I don’t know. But I do know that this past week has allowed to me to appreciate life for once. I stopped dwelling on my past, and all the mistakes that have haunted me for months, and even years. I focused on the present for once, realizing that what was will remain what was. And moving on and just accepting my life now actually makes me happy. Forget my sad, melancholical music. It only forced me to gravitate on reflecting on the what ifs. Forget the what ifs. They’ve done nothing but make me depress. I wish and hope I can do this more often; just let go and live. Sometimes I aggravate myself though, I think in the past two years, I’ve convinced myself that the only way I can be relax and happy was through alcohol. Because through alcohol I let myself go, let my problem disintegrate into the unknown oblivion of my subconscious mind. But I was just running away, insufficiently too. I don’t need any of that. Perhaps, occasionally. But I realized that I shouldn’t make it my way of socializing, cause it’s not. It never was and it never should be.
I can’t wait to leave southern California. I can’t wait until my parents move up north this fall. Even though I’m still staying down here for one more year, them moving gives me an excuse to go up north more often. I would love to experience new things, new people, new environments, new everyday way of living. I love being exposed to change. I love constant change.
I want to make a name of myself. I want to grow up already. I want to be independent; physically, mentally, financially--you name it, I want to be it. Because I’ve accepted that reality that I won’t be 18 for forever. One year, wow, that sounds like forever away. Even if these past three months have gone by ridiculously quickly. I can’t believe I’m less than 2 weeks away from 19. Ridiculous. Even if I thought I was 19 for the longest time. I feel so much older than my age. And if you believe otherwise, cool.

a new beginning.

everything's starting to fall in place for once.
everything's going right for once.

so after my usual weekly meltdown that i had on thursday, i didn't think i could take any more "moments." those moments that broke me down and put me in a state of vulnerability i feared the most. i couldn't even face looking myself in the mirror. who was i? who had i turned into? i missed me.

and after all the tears that fell and all the aches my heart felt, i knew i had to bounce back. cause there was nothing i could do about my past, about my mistakes. i knew i had to move on and face life with my head up and shoulders back.

and friday was a good start. thursday night, i realized that i hated the relationship i had with my family. with my brother and sister, mostly. i realized that i was a shitty sister with the biggest, bitchiest attitude. it was bad. for the past year, all i ever did was yell at them or call them stupid. i forgot how much i missed them. missed our uncontrollable laughs and our big, bright smiles. but everything got better as the night progressed and by the time i looked at the clock it was 1:45 am and i had to wake up 2 hours for work. that sucked balls, i hate only working a full day with 2 hours of sleep. i hate fatigue, but whatever i had to go fucking make coffee. work was relatively tolerabale, more so that usual. time went by fast, like usual. but after, my sister and i went straight to crystal cove to go hiking. it was absolutely beautiful. nature is beautiful. life is beautiful. sure it wasn't as sunny and bright as it was the day before, but it didn't matter. the cool breeze blowing my hair into my face, my arms locked with my sister's-- it was perfect. but we had to leave, i had to leave, but crystal cove is awaiting for me to come some other day this week (: but we got sprinkles after, yay. then i went straight to my car and drove back to temecula. i was reading somewhere that it said that when you feel like your life is at it's end, and you feel like your life is monotnous and so melancholical, you need change. this change doesn't necessarily have to be so drastic, but a few changes of environment and of perspective would have the same effect. and on this list of change was to maybe drive on a different freeway to go to a usual destination. and so i did, i took the scenic route rather than the 55, 91, 15. the 5 was beautiful, after going through irvine to hit the 405, i hit laguna beach, mission viejo, dana point, san clemente, san onofre, oceanside, carlsbad; everything was so beautiful. except that i constantly felt my eyes shutting down on me. not a good idea, so i quickly drove home to lay down and watch my old favorite tv show (: went to walmart (another bad idea, according to those fwd texts), and i saw an old friend that unexpectedly lives 10 minutes away from me.
after my 2 hour rest, it was time for san diego to see one of my favorite person in the world. i miss it. and i got to spend my whole night with an australian and a really funny guy. it was relaxing, just watching skins, getting lost, top of the world, petersons, and that one scary old asylum. nevertheless it was a good night. they were wrong. no cigars, no weed, no alcohol. just laughs.

...
life is really getting better. it's daddy's birthday, 49. wow, i couldn't even imagine being that old. i still have a long ways to go. a lot of experiences to go through. a lot of people to meet. and a lot of lessons to learn.
but i know this week will be good, despite going back to school and to work, i'm going to be spending time with people i haven't seen in months. it'll be nice. it'll be a change.

well, bye, blogspot. have to go a 4'oclock (what the hell, earlyyy) b-day dinner with the family and my sister's bf.
funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.


p.s. thank you for those who've always been there for me, even during my constant meltdowns.

Yuck

heart.

i've put you guys threw a lot of shit and vice versa. but you'll always have a place in my heart. a place that's untouchable and unchangeable. i love you all.

(this isn't me "singling anyone out" but this is me writing a blog about me for me.)

-You’re my best friend. Nothing’s ever going to change that. You know me inside and you’re quite possibly the only person I can genuinely say that about. You know my weaknesses and my strengths. You know what puts me on the brink of insanity and you know what makes my day life. I couldn’t imagine a day without you. You’ve taught me so much about just letting go and just having faith and hope. Because sometime’s that’s all you’ve got to live for. Thank you from the depths of my soul and of my heart.
-Thank you for being my partner in crime. Throughout these past years you’ve managed to make me smile and to make me cry. You’re my best friend because you encourage me to be me. You keep me from losing my head in physics and you keep me from making mistakes with boys. You turn my tears of sadness into sweat from dancing with ryan conferito (sp? and bahaha) thank you listening to my emotionally prone bantering of non-sense. You always know how to keep me sane and keep me going. But most of all you always know how to keep me sdsu free (;
-Even though we’re probably more so acquaintances than friends nowadays. I still consider you as one of the very few people I trust and maybe I’m foolish and naïve and completely irrational to even put so much faith in you. But I can’t really help it. I can’t even get myself to just let go, when there’s surely more reasons to than to hold on. I guess you can call it idiocracy that or I’m just completely blind to reality. But regardless, thank you for opening my eyes.
-Sometimes you make me want to punch you in the face, and sometimes you make me want to slap some knowledge into you. But in the past few year I’ve learned that doing that would be devoiding you from yourself. I’ve learned to accept you for you and to be grateful to have met someone as complex as you. No matter how many months we go on without talking I couldn’t quite possibly imagine you out of my life. You’ve taught me so much about friendships and what entails with the words trust and shit. Surprisingly, you’ve kept me going these past few years. I hope to always have you in my life.
-So I’m glad that you’ve become much more than my best friend’s boyfriend and into a friend. And not just any friend, but a good friend. You’ve listened to my petty grievances and to my desperate desires of sanity within you know what context. Your advice is genuine and you managed to not want to punch me in the face for all my amazing racist jokes perpetuated upon your jewish self. And I applaud you for that, really I do. It’s astounding the amount of tolerance you have for me and obnoxious laughter.
-So one might say our friendship is weak and lacks substance, but I know it’s much more than that. I know that even when we go months without talking to each you’ll always be there when I need you most. You’ve been holding my head up and keeping my spirit high when I was in the bottom of the bottom. You’ve been able to handle of my bullshit. Thank you.
-I really miss you. I really do. I wish you’d actually answer my phone calls and would somehow manage to put me as somewhat of a priority. Even if it was just once a month. It’d be nice to have you to talk to. I really need you back as my best friend.
-You’re my little spirited friend. As “flamboyantly” homosexual as that sounds, you are. You never ceased to make me frown. When I’m around you, you make mall life’s aches and pains disappear for the time being. You make (: , so don’t let anyone make you : ( NO ONE.
-You just might be the only boy that can make me smile even when I’m drenched in tears. The things you say when you say them are simply perfect. Thank you for always caring and for always keeping me grounded. Thank you for keeping my hand held and my body embraced. Thank you.

this is my story.

"We live our lives according to stories. about being irish or being black. about working hard or shooting heroin. being male or female. and we spend our lives looking for evidence--facts and proof--that support our story. as a writer, you just recognize that part of human nature. each time you create a character, you look at the world as that character, looking for the details that make that reality that one true reality." -chuck palahniuk

life is full of stories. these are the stories we make for ourselves. we constanty are composing and constructing details of our claimed identity. i think that we inherently not only set our goals of academia, but of what and how we define ourselves. all encompassing, we seek to find our being as an entity.

first, we choose whether we want to live our lives happy or bitter. second, we choose our choice of education, of music, of friends, of romance, of talents, of habits and even our choice of drug. thirdly, we choose the channel we go about to reach this goal of claimed identity...this goal of one true reality. and lastly...(i guess i have yet to acknowledge this last step, if there even is one)



my one true reality being that i'm simply kim bautista. i nag. i complain. i mock. i shittalk.
oh well, that's what i do, but that's not who i am. tonight, i was doing a myspace survey (of course!) and the last question was "are you you proud of the person you've become?" i actually love the person i'm becoming. surprisingly even for me, i've realized that my last bitter, melancholical blog was so much about certain priorities i've set so far up on my "list." and yeah, i do realize that we're going to constantly re-invent ourselves and it's this inevitable cycle that we seemingly are stuck in, but i know that even through all the phases i'm going to go through, my faith, my values, and what i've learned so far in life never will die. these past three years have been hard...real hard, and this age range of 15-22 is full of tears, police encounterments, deceit, fall outs, chemically enduce substances, assholes, deaths, truth, but i guess that really is the beauty of it all. these are the things that make us grow, the things that make us realize that the life we have now is not and never will be like the carefree lives we had when we were 7 and naive. and boy have i grown, evolved and learned. even though i'm only roughly 19 years old, i've experienced so much of the hardships that life has to offer. even though i've lived in the suburbs most of life; i've unwilling in some way, shape and form been faced with divorce, rape, handcuffs, deaths, heartbreaks, contemplations, "freak outs,". and all these unfortunate (but maybe deserving) events have culminated into an ocean full of my tears. i can't even count how many nights i cried myself to sleep. but i would never change any of it, not one bit. what's the point? sure, i never pictured it to happen to me, and it definately wasn't ever part of the channel i wanted to go through, but it sure is a part of my identity that i would never change.
i never would change the lifestyle i currently am in right now. i love being away from my parents, not solely because i think 18 years was enough for me, but because i've learned to live on my own. i've learn that they're not always going to be there to motivate you, to tell you what to do and what not to do. they can't always tell you where your priorities should be and what's best for you. you have learn to grow up. and to learn to choose what's best for you. i love going to school and work practically full time. it's thought me a lot about managing my time. being at work has taught me that sometimes you're going to have to do things that you don't want to do. but having been working since i was 16, i've learned that sometimes you can't always be financially dependent on your parents. and maybe you can, but why would you want to be. having a job is not just about being responsible with your finances, but of yourself. i've learned to take care of my wholebeing and my responsibilites. i've learned that money isn't easy to make. making coffee for people 28 hours a week isn't that fun, and it really does suck when you spend have the money you earned on people who don't do shit. it gets frustrating never being able to say no. it really does feel like shit. you start to wonder if they're just using you. but besides me always getting off tangent, i like making my own money. i really don't like asking my parents for extra money. i know that i just started college, and that i need to focus on school. but i can do both, and even if i didn't have a job, face it kim, you would still be spending the same amount of time with school that you woul'dve with a job. so, why not take it on. i like the feeling of living away from my parents, having a job, and going to school. it helps me grow and gives me a sense of what reality is going to be like in 10 years. yeah, it'll be way harder than it is right now, having a real occupation and all, but at least i won't be competely naive to that kind of living. yeah, i don't have to worry about car, house, insurance payments but i still have to worry about being able to live; go to school, and go out to do miscellaneous shit. even though so much of me wants to hold onto my past and my childhood, more of me wants to grow up already. i don't want feel cheated out of life, out of growing up.
and that is me, give or take. that is my one true reality. my goal is to be the best that i can be for me and for no one else.

hello.

it's weird, initially i created a blog because i wanted to pour my heart into it. i wanted to say everything and anything on my mind, without the everyday restrictions of feeling like i'd be judge or be mocked of. But I feel like i'm doing the same thing, i feel like i'm still putting my guard up. because how i really feel is nothing like what i pretend to feel. i don't know, it's hard for me. i'm scared, i know. because i know who me is, but i feel that it's unfortunate that no one else does. and sometimes i feel like no one even wants to try to. no one even takes me seriously, except for my two best friends and my brother. i understand that yeah, on the surface it may seem like all i do is laugh or say stupid shit, but for some reason i feel inclined to do so. i feel like i have to necessitate this always happy, bubbly kim who lets people step all over them. well, fuck you then. i'm really tired of caring for peope who could really care less about me. i know which people love me and i know which people i love. and it hurts a lot when the ratio isn't exactly equal.
but i guess that's life though right? i have to accept the things for the way they are.
fuck, why does everyone say that? why do i have to be content with how everything is going? is it so wrong to care? is it so wrong to want to find the strength to make everything better? i can't accept the things for the way they are, cause it kills me inside. everyday it hurts. every line hurts. and i know that sometimes i make myself cry. all those tears...maybe it's my fault. maybe it's my fault cause i don't tell anyone anything. and all that i do say is a bunch of bull shit and fluff.
i am not content, cause i do remember how being happy feels like (externally and internally) and i don't want to accept anything that is not even relatively in the same proximity as that. afterall, it is my life...

hangovers.

ah! my headache and excessive need for water wont go away! asdfghjkl.
anyways, so, as i was catching up on my television shows (now that i'm home home, i have access to any means of technology) i heard a relatively intelligent quote from erin of "the city" (hahah shut up i like) and she "the best way to get over a guy is to get a new one." jalkjflkajsldjfs, definately easier said than done.
and i'm just going to stop right now before i make a fool of myself or whatever :(



bye, i need a pint of half baked by ben and jerrys (:

021509.

valentine's day is officially over, winter is nearing its end, and my dad is paying me 100 dollars to write his morality/ethics essay due this monday. niiiiceeee?




last night my grandpa tony past away.

...and i don't even know what to think about it.
i miss him and i love him. and i wish i had gotten to get to know him. however, he was 96 and he did manage to live his life with passion.



goodnight, i have writer's block.

kobe bryants and post secrets.

and on the back read " i guess it's not where i am; but WHO i am. "

ever since i moved to temecula four years ago, all i could constantly think about was the easiest, logical way of moving out of that hell hole. and last summer, i had that opportunity. i thought... orange county, yeah it's no east coast, but it sure does beat staying in a desert wasteland full of hopeless mirages of silver linings. but as the months past by; and the ostentatious, egocentric multi-millionaires and elitests kept swiping their black amex cards, i soon realized that there was no relation to my location and my happiness. afterall, running away didn't solve anything. i still am who i was. and i still haven't found what i was looking for---myself.

happiest moments and snickerdoodles.

so, this is my first official blog, with the exception of the one prior to this involving the niggerjew melo and her obsession with my dad and bananas.
...hm, i really don't know where to start. it seems as if writing on paper to a confidential receiver is easier than writing on blogger.com to my non-existent followers...

nevertheless.
last thursday, my communications teacher concluded the session with an assignment that addressed each student's "happiest/proudest moment...ever." she announced that in the following week we would have to present this absolutely glorifying moment to each other. boy was this the most difficult assignment ever given to me. i really couldn't recall a singular defining moment in the past 19 years, where i could say to myself, "wow, so this is why i'm alive." yes, i know that every second, every minute, every hour culminates into the reason why i'm put on this earth. but a moment? not yet. of course, mission impossible imitations and throwing water bottles into stair cases were up there, but i can't exactly say they were up to par nor comparable with james's first baby being born and meritza saving the life of a young convict.
but i don't know, maybe i just haven't lived. maybe i just haven't let go. maybe i just haven't witness a miracle.
and yeah, i had to explain to a classroom full of 20-45 year olds that my favorite moment would have to be doing summersaults all over my house to the mission impossible theme song.
...it was hard.



on a random note:
- 5 of my movies are a week late. again.
- some 67 year old man asked me for my phone number in class today.
- NO melodie, i didn't give it to him. gosh.
- i'm really excited for this summer, and for next month (or well 2 days from now), i just know that it'll be a good year.
- january is practically over. wow, did it go by fast.
- it wasn't until last week that i realized that there's only 7 more semesters of college left.
- school, friends, family -> my only priorities in life.
i think that for the last two and a half years, i've evolved into this being that i grew up always hating and never wanting to be. i never thought i succumbed to this destruction. i focused and consumed my life with priorities that were completely materialistically and completely irrelevant to my idea of happiness.
i've spent this past month constantly trying to find the cause to my unhappiness, the cause to my distress, the cause to my unfortunate depression. but i think i found it.



...but yes, i do have to go now and eat snicker doodles and watch season 2 of "the o.c"

huh?

HUH? melodie likes jooos!