This past week has been a breathe of fresh air. I don’t think I’ve been this happy in so long. I can’t stop smiling. Because for once, I spent this week pleasing myself, doing things I wanted to do, and seeing places I wanted to see. I spent this week out of comfort zone, away from what I would consider my norm. Maybe it was because I was on spring break. I don’t know. But I do know that this past week has allowed to me to appreciate life for once. I stopped dwelling on my past, and all the mistakes that have haunted me for months, and even years. I focused on the present for once, realizing that what was will remain what was. And moving on and just accepting my life now actually makes me happy. Forget my sad, melancholical music. It only forced me to gravitate on reflecting on the what ifs. Forget the what ifs. They’ve done nothing but make me depress. I wish and hope I can do this more often; just let go and live. Sometimes I aggravate myself though, I think in the past two years, I’ve convinced myself that the only way I can be relax and happy was through alcohol. Because through alcohol I let myself go, let my problem disintegrate into the unknown oblivion of my subconscious mind. But I was just running away, insufficiently too. I don’t need any of that. Perhaps, occasionally. But I realized that I shouldn’t make it my way of socializing, cause it’s not. It never was and it never should be.
I can’t wait to leave southern California. I can’t wait until my parents move up north this fall. Even though I’m still staying down here for one more year, them moving gives me an excuse to go up north more often. I would love to experience new things, new people, new environments, new everyday way of living. I love being exposed to change. I love constant change.
I want to make a name of myself. I want to grow up already. I want to be independent; physically, mentally, financially--you name it, I want to be it. Because I’ve accepted that reality that I won’t be 18 for forever. One year, wow, that sounds like forever away. Even if these past three months have gone by ridiculously quickly. I can’t believe I’m less than 2 weeks away from 19. Ridiculous. Even if I thought I was 19 for the longest time. I feel so much older than my age. And if you believe otherwise, cool.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
a new beginning.
everything's starting to fall in place for once.
everything's going right for once.
so after my usual weekly meltdown that i had on thursday, i didn't think i could take any more "moments." those moments that broke me down and put me in a state of vulnerability i feared the most. i couldn't even face looking myself in the mirror. who was i? who had i turned into? i missed me.
and after all the tears that fell and all the aches my heart felt, i knew i had to bounce back. cause there was nothing i could do about my past, about my mistakes. i knew i had to move on and face life with my head up and shoulders back.
and friday was a good start. thursday night, i realized that i hated the relationship i had with my family. with my brother and sister, mostly. i realized that i was a shitty sister with the biggest, bitchiest attitude. it was bad. for the past year, all i ever did was yell at them or call them stupid. i forgot how much i missed them. missed our uncontrollable laughs and our big, bright smiles. but everything got better as the night progressed and by the time i looked at the clock it was 1:45 am and i had to wake up 2 hours for work. that sucked balls, i hate only working a full day with 2 hours of sleep. i hate fatigue, but whatever i had to go fucking make coffee. work was relatively tolerabale, more so that usual. time went by fast, like usual. but after, my sister and i went straight to crystal cove to go hiking. it was absolutely beautiful. nature is beautiful. life is beautiful. sure it wasn't as sunny and bright as it was the day before, but it didn't matter. the cool breeze blowing my hair into my face, my arms locked with my sister's-- it was perfect. but we had to leave, i had to leave, but crystal cove is awaiting for me to come some other day this week (: but we got sprinkles after, yay. then i went straight to my car and drove back to temecula. i was reading somewhere that it said that when you feel like your life is at it's end, and you feel like your life is monotnous and so melancholical, you need change. this change doesn't necessarily have to be so drastic, but a few changes of environment and of perspective would have the same effect. and on this list of change was to maybe drive on a different freeway to go to a usual destination. and so i did, i took the scenic route rather than the 55, 91, 15. the 5 was beautiful, after going through irvine to hit the 405, i hit laguna beach, mission viejo, dana point, san clemente, san onofre, oceanside, carlsbad; everything was so beautiful. except that i constantly felt my eyes shutting down on me. not a good idea, so i quickly drove home to lay down and watch my old favorite tv show (: went to walmart (another bad idea, according to those fwd texts), and i saw an old friend that unexpectedly lives 10 minutes away from me.
after my 2 hour rest, it was time for san diego to see one of my favorite person in the world. i miss it. and i got to spend my whole night with an australian and a really funny guy. it was relaxing, just watching skins, getting lost, top of the world, petersons, and that one scary old asylum. nevertheless it was a good night. they were wrong. no cigars, no weed, no alcohol. just laughs.
...
life is really getting better. it's daddy's birthday, 49. wow, i couldn't even imagine being that old. i still have a long ways to go. a lot of experiences to go through. a lot of people to meet. and a lot of lessons to learn.
but i know this week will be good, despite going back to school and to work, i'm going to be spending time with people i haven't seen in months. it'll be nice. it'll be a change.
well, bye, blogspot. have to go a 4'oclock (what the hell, earlyyy) b-day dinner with the family and my sister's bf.
funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
p.s. thank you for those who've always been there for me, even during my constant meltdowns.
everything's going right for once.
so after my usual weekly meltdown that i had on thursday, i didn't think i could take any more "moments." those moments that broke me down and put me in a state of vulnerability i feared the most. i couldn't even face looking myself in the mirror. who was i? who had i turned into? i missed me.
and after all the tears that fell and all the aches my heart felt, i knew i had to bounce back. cause there was nothing i could do about my past, about my mistakes. i knew i had to move on and face life with my head up and shoulders back.
and friday was a good start. thursday night, i realized that i hated the relationship i had with my family. with my brother and sister, mostly. i realized that i was a shitty sister with the biggest, bitchiest attitude. it was bad. for the past year, all i ever did was yell at them or call them stupid. i forgot how much i missed them. missed our uncontrollable laughs and our big, bright smiles. but everything got better as the night progressed and by the time i looked at the clock it was 1:45 am and i had to wake up 2 hours for work. that sucked balls, i hate only working a full day with 2 hours of sleep. i hate fatigue, but whatever i had to go fucking make coffee. work was relatively tolerabale, more so that usual. time went by fast, like usual. but after, my sister and i went straight to crystal cove to go hiking. it was absolutely beautiful. nature is beautiful. life is beautiful. sure it wasn't as sunny and bright as it was the day before, but it didn't matter. the cool breeze blowing my hair into my face, my arms locked with my sister's-- it was perfect. but we had to leave, i had to leave, but crystal cove is awaiting for me to come some other day this week (: but we got sprinkles after, yay. then i went straight to my car and drove back to temecula. i was reading somewhere that it said that when you feel like your life is at it's end, and you feel like your life is monotnous and so melancholical, you need change. this change doesn't necessarily have to be so drastic, but a few changes of environment and of perspective would have the same effect. and on this list of change was to maybe drive on a different freeway to go to a usual destination. and so i did, i took the scenic route rather than the 55, 91, 15. the 5 was beautiful, after going through irvine to hit the 405, i hit laguna beach, mission viejo, dana point, san clemente, san onofre, oceanside, carlsbad; everything was so beautiful. except that i constantly felt my eyes shutting down on me. not a good idea, so i quickly drove home to lay down and watch my old favorite tv show (: went to walmart (another bad idea, according to those fwd texts), and i saw an old friend that unexpectedly lives 10 minutes away from me.
after my 2 hour rest, it was time for san diego to see one of my favorite person in the world. i miss it. and i got to spend my whole night with an australian and a really funny guy. it was relaxing, just watching skins, getting lost, top of the world, petersons, and that one scary old asylum. nevertheless it was a good night. they were wrong. no cigars, no weed, no alcohol. just laughs.
...
life is really getting better. it's daddy's birthday, 49. wow, i couldn't even imagine being that old. i still have a long ways to go. a lot of experiences to go through. a lot of people to meet. and a lot of lessons to learn.
but i know this week will be good, despite going back to school and to work, i'm going to be spending time with people i haven't seen in months. it'll be nice. it'll be a change.
well, bye, blogspot. have to go a 4'oclock (what the hell, earlyyy) b-day dinner with the family and my sister's bf.
funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
p.s. thank you for those who've always been there for me, even during my constant meltdowns.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
heart.
i've put you guys threw a lot of shit and vice versa. but you'll always have a place in my heart. a place that's untouchable and unchangeable. i love you all.
(this isn't me "singling anyone out" but this is me writing a blog about me for me.)
-You’re my best friend. Nothing’s ever going to change that. You know me inside and you’re quite possibly the only person I can genuinely say that about. You know my weaknesses and my strengths. You know what puts me on the brink of insanity and you know what makes my day life. I couldn’t imagine a day without you. You’ve taught me so much about just letting go and just having faith and hope. Because sometime’s that’s all you’ve got to live for. Thank you from the depths of my soul and of my heart.
-Thank you for being my partner in crime. Throughout these past years you’ve managed to make me smile and to make me cry. You’re my best friend because you encourage me to be me. You keep me from losing my head in physics and you keep me from making mistakes with boys. You turn my tears of sadness into sweat from dancing with ryan conferito (sp? and bahaha) thank you listening to my emotionally prone bantering of non-sense. You always know how to keep me sane and keep me going. But most of all you always know how to keep me sdsu free (;
-Even though we’re probably more so acquaintances than friends nowadays. I still consider you as one of the very few people I trust and maybe I’m foolish and naïve and completely irrational to even put so much faith in you. But I can’t really help it. I can’t even get myself to just let go, when there’s surely more reasons to than to hold on. I guess you can call it idiocracy that or I’m just completely blind to reality. But regardless, thank you for opening my eyes.
-Sometimes you make me want to punch you in the face, and sometimes you make me want to slap some knowledge into you. But in the past few year I’ve learned that doing that would be devoiding you from yourself. I’ve learned to accept you for you and to be grateful to have met someone as complex as you. No matter how many months we go on without talking I couldn’t quite possibly imagine you out of my life. You’ve taught me so much about friendships and what entails with the words trust and shit. Surprisingly, you’ve kept me going these past few years. I hope to always have you in my life.
-So I’m glad that you’ve become much more than my best friend’s boyfriend and into a friend. And not just any friend, but a good friend. You’ve listened to my petty grievances and to my desperate desires of sanity within you know what context. Your advice is genuine and you managed to not want to punch me in the face for all my amazing racist jokes perpetuated upon your jewish self. And I applaud you for that, really I do. It’s astounding the amount of tolerance you have for me and obnoxious laughter.
-So one might say our friendship is weak and lacks substance, but I know it’s much more than that. I know that even when we go months without talking to each you’ll always be there when I need you most. You’ve been holding my head up and keeping my spirit high when I was in the bottom of the bottom. You’ve been able to handle of my bullshit. Thank you.
-I really miss you. I really do. I wish you’d actually answer my phone calls and would somehow manage to put me as somewhat of a priority. Even if it was just once a month. It’d be nice to have you to talk to. I really need you back as my best friend.
-You’re my little spirited friend. As “flamboyantly” homosexual as that sounds, you are. You never ceased to make me frown. When I’m around you, you make mall life’s aches and pains disappear for the time being. You make (: , so don’t let anyone make you : ( NO ONE.
-You just might be the only boy that can make me smile even when I’m drenched in tears. The things you say when you say them are simply perfect. Thank you for always caring and for always keeping me grounded. Thank you for keeping my hand held and my body embraced. Thank you.
(this isn't me "singling anyone out" but this is me writing a blog about me for me.)
-You’re my best friend. Nothing’s ever going to change that. You know me inside and you’re quite possibly the only person I can genuinely say that about. You know my weaknesses and my strengths. You know what puts me on the brink of insanity and you know what makes my day life. I couldn’t imagine a day without you. You’ve taught me so much about just letting go and just having faith and hope. Because sometime’s that’s all you’ve got to live for. Thank you from the depths of my soul and of my heart.
-Thank you for being my partner in crime. Throughout these past years you’ve managed to make me smile and to make me cry. You’re my best friend because you encourage me to be me. You keep me from losing my head in physics and you keep me from making mistakes with boys. You turn my tears of sadness into sweat from dancing with ryan conferito (sp? and bahaha) thank you listening to my emotionally prone bantering of non-sense. You always know how to keep me sane and keep me going. But most of all you always know how to keep me sdsu free (;
-Even though we’re probably more so acquaintances than friends nowadays. I still consider you as one of the very few people I trust and maybe I’m foolish and naïve and completely irrational to even put so much faith in you. But I can’t really help it. I can’t even get myself to just let go, when there’s surely more reasons to than to hold on. I guess you can call it idiocracy that or I’m just completely blind to reality. But regardless, thank you for opening my eyes.
-Sometimes you make me want to punch you in the face, and sometimes you make me want to slap some knowledge into you. But in the past few year I’ve learned that doing that would be devoiding you from yourself. I’ve learned to accept you for you and to be grateful to have met someone as complex as you. No matter how many months we go on without talking I couldn’t quite possibly imagine you out of my life. You’ve taught me so much about friendships and what entails with the words trust and shit. Surprisingly, you’ve kept me going these past few years. I hope to always have you in my life.
-So I’m glad that you’ve become much more than my best friend’s boyfriend and into a friend. And not just any friend, but a good friend. You’ve listened to my petty grievances and to my desperate desires of sanity within you know what context. Your advice is genuine and you managed to not want to punch me in the face for all my amazing racist jokes perpetuated upon your jewish self. And I applaud you for that, really I do. It’s astounding the amount of tolerance you have for me and obnoxious laughter.
-So one might say our friendship is weak and lacks substance, but I know it’s much more than that. I know that even when we go months without talking to each you’ll always be there when I need you most. You’ve been holding my head up and keeping my spirit high when I was in the bottom of the bottom. You’ve been able to handle of my bullshit. Thank you.
-I really miss you. I really do. I wish you’d actually answer my phone calls and would somehow manage to put me as somewhat of a priority. Even if it was just once a month. It’d be nice to have you to talk to. I really need you back as my best friend.
-You’re my little spirited friend. As “flamboyantly” homosexual as that sounds, you are. You never ceased to make me frown. When I’m around you, you make mall life’s aches and pains disappear for the time being. You make (: , so don’t let anyone make you : ( NO ONE.
-You just might be the only boy that can make me smile even when I’m drenched in tears. The things you say when you say them are simply perfect. Thank you for always caring and for always keeping me grounded. Thank you for keeping my hand held and my body embraced. Thank you.
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