hello.

it's weird, initially i created a blog because i wanted to pour my heart into it. i wanted to say everything and anything on my mind, without the everyday restrictions of feeling like i'd be judge or be mocked of. But I feel like i'm doing the same thing, i feel like i'm still putting my guard up. because how i really feel is nothing like what i pretend to feel. i don't know, it's hard for me. i'm scared, i know. because i know who me is, but i feel that it's unfortunate that no one else does. and sometimes i feel like no one even wants to try to. no one even takes me seriously, except for my two best friends and my brother. i understand that yeah, on the surface it may seem like all i do is laugh or say stupid shit, but for some reason i feel inclined to do so. i feel like i have to necessitate this always happy, bubbly kim who lets people step all over them. well, fuck you then. i'm really tired of caring for peope who could really care less about me. i know which people love me and i know which people i love. and it hurts a lot when the ratio isn't exactly equal.
but i guess that's life though right? i have to accept the things for the way they are.
fuck, why does everyone say that? why do i have to be content with how everything is going? is it so wrong to care? is it so wrong to want to find the strength to make everything better? i can't accept the things for the way they are, cause it kills me inside. everyday it hurts. every line hurts. and i know that sometimes i make myself cry. all those tears...maybe it's my fault. maybe it's my fault cause i don't tell anyone anything. and all that i do say is a bunch of bull shit and fluff.
i am not content, cause i do remember how being happy feels like (externally and internally) and i don't want to accept anything that is not even relatively in the same proximity as that. afterall, it is my life...