of course...

it's like when you start to feel like everything's falling in its place, and all of sudden you're back to square one. back to the same old fuck my life routine.

why does it always have to be like that?

maybe it's cause i put so much hope in that you would complete me...
or that i gauge my level of happiness on our relationship...
why is that i care so much...
aren't i suppose to try to make me work...
or am i just naive...


p.s. i'm over it.

p.p.s. i think.

an ode to really long blogs.

it's been summer for a few weeks now and at this point i feel like it's going to be a summer i'll never forget. a lot of good things are happening in my life; a lot of good memories, a lot of good relationships, and a lot of discoveries.

as for memories, i've already learned to appreciate orange county and all the wonders of not living with parents. i've learned that you only start to learn a lot about yourself when all the things and the people you've been accustomed to aren't physically and sometimes emotionally there for you. you learn that in the end, all you've got is yourself to make you happy. all you've got is yourself to impress. you realize that eventually you've got to learn to stand on your own two feet. and even though i'm only 19, i think i'm starting to see it. the struggles, the suffering, but above it all, the hidden beauty of life.

i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss all the temecula people, because the truth is that it hurts to not see them for this long. afterall, they are my childhood, my memories, my youth, my laughs, and my smile.
and as for my best friends, i realllyyyy miss them. i saw rachele for the first times in months, and as we both layed in bed staring at each other, reflecting on the present, all i saw was quite possibly the bestest friend i've ever met. i know it's hard on both of us to only see each other months at a time, but at the same i know that she'll always be there for me. it's a feeling i can't describe, but there's so much of me that only she would ever understand. all my fears, and my tears, all my regrets, all my subconscious feelings of remorse; only she will ever understand.
and as for vanessa, jesus i miss you. it's ridiculous that we use to only live 20 minutes from each other and we still only managed to see each other once or twice a month. but i know that's all going to change in 2 months. and thank god for that, really. you keep me sane and you keep me smiling. and i will definately need that this next year.
and as for _ _ _ _ _ _, all i can i do is ever smile when i see you or even hear your voice. and i really hope things will work out between us. because for once, i don't want to let go, and for once i don't want it to be temporary. and sometimes, i try to reason myself out of you and i. but i know it's just me being scared. for what exactly? i sure as hell don't know. but despite all my fears, i'm ready for a change, i'm ready to let you in.

temecula, oh temecula. it'll be a year since i've left you for orange county. a year since i left all i ever knew. the people, the places, the memories. and as each day passes, all the memories become so distant.





...i don't know. i don't really want to say much on this blog. i'd rather keep it to myself.

i think i like you

so what am i so afraid of...


that you are genuinely a nice guy.
that for once, i don't intentionally push you away.
that you were that one person who allowed me to get over him.
that you live an hour away.
that i'm going to get hurt.
that you're not like the others.
that i feel so remarkably safe in your arms.
that for once, i want to make it work, but i just don't know how.
that i'm afraid of what's next





...