i had a dream

last night that involved me crying up a storm and when i woke up my whole face was consumed with tears. 

what the hell, weird. 

i don't like this.

today was a good day. explored and shopped. and ucla sigmaphi party tomorrow night. can't be as bad as ucsd's "/

and then temecula and san diego afterrrr. i'm loving summer so far. just doing whatever cause i can. cause it's summer (:

"cause in the end the ash falls of the cigarettes, the sun still sets.."

so after a talk with a friend last night, i couldn't stop thinking about our conversation. he said that eventually things usually work themselves out the way it's meant to be. but what if all the things that i hope are still going to do this whole "work themselves out" really have nothing left to work themselves out. what if that was the end. i put so much hope into something that may or may not even exist. what if that was the way things were meant to be. how do you ever know. how are you suppose to know. i wish there a sign with these kind of things. and i know that your not suppose to ever know. but why not.
it takes so much just to have faith in something, in anything. to believe that everything will be alright...that life's got your back. to have faith is to have so much strength, so much acceptance, so much gratitude.

fucking shit.

it's wednesday 12:23 in the afternoon and my 40 page paper is due in less than 6 hours and i'm freaking the shit out. fuck me, considering i've been procrastinating for weeks now andddd the paper was even posponed a week. damn me. fuck. fuck. fuck.
sorry, but i'm stressing out and i'm really doing absolutely nothing to make it go away (including not doing it). i feel like giving up, but i can't. just one more week. i can do it. hopefully.
i'm going home this weekend. it'll be a nice break, even if i still have 2 finals to study for. both of which i NEED to do good in or i'm screwed. i feel like in regards to academics, everything is going to hell. i need to straighten myself out and get my shit together.
i'm doing worse now. it just keeps getting worse and worse as the days dread on by. hopefully, i can learn to motivate myself and suck it up. i'm 19 now, i need to learn.
fine, i'll start at 12:45 :/

p.s. sorry for all the french words.

friends?

I hate that one hour of one day can change the outcome of all things to come. I hate that one action can effect the relationship between two people. But most of all I hate that I lost a good friend. I hate that I can’t even simply talk to you without any awkward pauses or moments of hesitance.
After all that’s happened, I’d hate to give up, even if you already have. I admired you so much as a friend and even more as a person. I hate that I’ve lost someone that I always thought that would be my friend for years to come. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to it, go back to that instance, that hour that became the end of our friendship. The end of something I still do cherish.
But I guess I can’t do much. Because I know as much as I try, it is what it is and I can never go back to the past, to how it use to be. Accepting it seems impossible. And what’s worst is that I can’t even grasp that concept in of itself. Because I don’t know why we couldn’t just let go of what happened and just move on. It’s weird, cause I was still conscious during that instance, yet I would have never fathomed what it would’ve done. Talk about ignorance. WOW KIMBERLY.

work.

so it's 4:31am right now, and I'm in the coffee bean parking lot waiting for my coworker to NOT be fucking late. no sleep tonight :( HOWEVER, i'm glad people stopped by tonight. it made me smile A LOT. ok ew, he's here. gross.

yes yes yes.

may 6, 2009.
so when did it suddenly become may? i swear it was just january 1st yesterday.
with less than 3 weeks left of school, excitement overwhelms me. with school being the exception, everything's been surprisingly great. well, what's the catch? usually, there's always something wrong, something out of place. but i think the good days are here to stay. maybe, hopefully. i need it. i need this summer to be worth all the shit that went down during the school year. i just want to be carefree, i just want to be a "teenager." i don't care if i'm too old to act immature and make mistakes. fuck it. my smile and laugh calls for the bright sun and hot heat waves. after all, this is southern california. this is what its known for. the beach and shaq black tans. new place, new housemates, new friends. what can go wrong. and everyone will be back from college. yes (: 3 months of california heat. no worries.


summer sessions should be tolerable, and working=money. which i'm definately in need of.

summer to-do list:
-six flags at least once
-beach at least 293727 times
-san francisco 1. 2. 3. times
-get myself to jog 8 miles non-stop.
-go to temecula at least 3 times a week.
-save up $2000.
-roadtrip along all of pch.
-canoeing.
-ride a ferris wheel.
-ace my summer classes.
-get a haircut.
-surprises surprises (;
-housewarming party.

...to be continued...

two thousand and nine.

this summer will be the best. i can feel it.
i'm just going to live and let live.


and keep making memories.






countdown to the first summer of college.