i feel like i'm losing everyone that matters the most. i feel like i'm losing it. i haven't felt this alone in a while. it just makes me question what i did, or what didn't i do. am i being a shitty friend, a shitty person? yeah, i do enjoy being alone over being with other people, but sometimes bieng alone gets terribly lonely. i'd like company once in awhile.

i feel like breaking down, crying and pouring my heart out.
and at this point, i have absolutely no one to confide to, not even this dumb blog.






...and i'm scared...

sad face/

i wish i could have you back in my life.










fuckingshitassmotherfuckingdickcockshiftfuckfaceassofasunofagundipshitfuckface.

"you are what you believe you are" -CSLewis

TTH hum20 9:30-1050

TTH math 11:00-12:20

TTH hum1 1:00-3:00

TTH poli sci 7:00-9:50

MTWTHF psych 126 online

MTWTHF mus 1 online

possibly the best schedule i've had by far. 2 easy online classes and supposedly great teachers. can't wait for school to start (:

BUT

spring semester=hell! 8 classes. FUN STUFF right there. shit i won't be having a life in a couple months.

BUT 

i'm incredibly and surprisingly optimistic at this point in time.

 

please

take your own advice.

...a week and counting.

in distressed.

so sometimes i find myself crying at random.  even when i seem like i'm preoccupied with something else i always end up tearing up on the spot. 

...? i don't know. 

my post for the month?

sorry for my bad mood lately...

and my negativity and my overall lack of emotion. apathy's been my game these past few weeks. i'm at that point again when i feel like nothing is going right and that every possible bad thing has happened to me. don't get me wrong there's been a few moments of gratitude and absolute contentment. however, my somber moments have without a doubt supersede my happy moments. and i know this time will past and that sometime soon or far i will be back to my 100 watt smile. but can that time please come sometime around...well, now. i'd like for that to happen, cause i'm making me sick. i feel paralyze, specifically emotionally. try to make me smile for longer than a second and i'll love you forever. a sincere smile, please. i miss those. this past month has been a bitch to me, hopefully school will turn this all over and i will move on pass all this torment i've experience this month. i don't know if i need something new, something exciting, but nevertheless somethinggg needs to happen. i feel like i'm loosing it all. like i'm loosing myself. conversations between best friends are becoming shorter and shallower. relationships are ending. families are breaking apart. and i'm falling apart. i feel so distant with everyone including myself. stress is getting the best of me. but i know it's just one of those months. nothing i'm not use to. nothing no one is not use to. but i guess this is what blogs are for right? vent in a proper, adequate manner. 

so there it is. 

here we are again

is demi lovato secretly my twin sister?

i want to be mad at you, i should be mad at you, but i can't. i can't seem to get myself to say bye. i can't seem to just let it go, let us go. i can't figure out if you and i should continue, or if i should just cut it now before it turns out the way we both always saw it to be. but i can't. i like you too much. i couldn't give you up just yet, there's so much i have yet to learn, yet to figure out. but maybe this big argument is suppose to foreshadow a future event or maybe it's something that we can both learn from. and i sure as hell hope it's the latter of the two.
you're so hard to understand, it's like pulling teeth to get you to tell me how you really feel and i know i'm not any better and i'm just the same way. but i'm trying. i'm trying to not hold back, i'm trying to get this communication thing just right and i think that at this point, our lack of communication is the source of all our arguements, all our little attitudes and rages. and if we can't get that right, how can we get us right? i don't think it's possible, without communication...well there's really nothing there then.
i crave attention, i know and you know. sorry, but i'm a girl. and yeah, sometimes i just want you to tell me you care.


ok well bye, i'm too mad and frustrated to finish this.