hello.

This past week has been a breathe of fresh air. I don’t think I’ve been this happy in so long. I can’t stop smiling. Because for once, I spent this week pleasing myself, doing things I wanted to do, and seeing places I wanted to see. I spent this week out of comfort zone, away from what I would consider my norm. Maybe it was because I was on spring break. I don’t know. But I do know that this past week has allowed to me to appreciate life for once. I stopped dwelling on my past, and all the mistakes that have haunted me for months, and even years. I focused on the present for once, realizing that what was will remain what was. And moving on and just accepting my life now actually makes me happy. Forget my sad, melancholical music. It only forced me to gravitate on reflecting on the what ifs. Forget the what ifs. They’ve done nothing but make me depress. I wish and hope I can do this more often; just let go and live. Sometimes I aggravate myself though, I think in the past two years, I’ve convinced myself that the only way I can be relax and happy was through alcohol. Because through alcohol I let myself go, let my problem disintegrate into the unknown oblivion of my subconscious mind. But I was just running away, insufficiently too. I don’t need any of that. Perhaps, occasionally. But I realized that I shouldn’t make it my way of socializing, cause it’s not. It never was and it never should be.
I can’t wait to leave southern California. I can’t wait until my parents move up north this fall. Even though I’m still staying down here for one more year, them moving gives me an excuse to go up north more often. I would love to experience new things, new people, new environments, new everyday way of living. I love being exposed to change. I love constant change.
I want to make a name of myself. I want to grow up already. I want to be independent; physically, mentally, financially--you name it, I want to be it. Because I’ve accepted that reality that I won’t be 18 for forever. One year, wow, that sounds like forever away. Even if these past three months have gone by ridiculously quickly. I can’t believe I’m less than 2 weeks away from 19. Ridiculous. Even if I thought I was 19 for the longest time. I feel so much older than my age. And if you believe otherwise, cool.