the past has passed.

cheesy.



this year has been crazy, both good and bad, i suppose.
i've been recently thinking what if i didn't dp? what if i was still in it 'til in the end? where would i be now? would i loose all the friendships i've learned to adore and cherish? or would i be able to handle both? chances are i'd loose friendships i always feared of loosing. but sometimes i feel like, even though i did dp, i still lost them anyways. and i hate to be that person that is constantly reflecting on the past, but it's too hard to forget all the moments that kept me alive with all those people that kept me going. i was happy, and i still am today. just with everything that's going on, all the chaos, all the stress, it's harder to see the positives--to see the light. it's so easy to focus on all the negatives, that we overlook everything else. why can't we all just smile and suck it up?


this past year has been pretty epic. i've learned so much about relationships, both friendly and intimate. i've had those lows and those highs, those moments where i felt infinite and untouchable and moments that i felt my sanity slipping away. but after all that's happened, i wouldn't take any of it back. i did so much shit i thought i would regret and be shameful of, but fuck it, it's a part of growing up. it's a part of evolving into the person i ultimately want to be.

well, this blog is kind of gay, but i figured maybe i should get back to this instead of trying to avoid it, life is going at a slow pace right now, a lot of resting and a lot of reflecting.


<-a tribute to old memories.

you.

thoughts:
#1. school is nearing an end, it's absolutely ridiculous how fast this year went by.
#2. it's unfortunate to realize that in a few years, the terms "summer vacation" and "winter break" will be nothing short of a mere childhood memory.
#3. i love 4:30 am shifts?
#4. i miss you. you know who you are. well, i doubt you'd want to admit it.
#5. go mccain (:
#6. i have a 25 page SINGLE SPACED, and another 20 page SINGLE SPACED paper to write in the next two weeks. fuck my life. almost ONE HUNDRED PAGES doubled spaced about fucking technology. what the shit is wrong with my professor. fuck fuck fuck.
#7. sorry, but really. what an asshole.
#8. i'm trying to be a better person. i promise; less selfish, less condescending, and less materialistic.
#9. it's really hard to not not dwell on the past and to accept things/situations for the way they are.
#10. because if i had a choice, (or even a chance) you'd still be my friend. because in case you didn't notice, i care and always will continue to.
#11. i miss the convenience of the internet and the t.v.
#12. i'd rather keep a diary, but i always end up stopping after the first entry.
#13. and if i were to keep one, it'd be more blunt, more cursing, and more realshit.
#14. i really CAN NOT wait for summer.
#15. $35=death cab. worth it? mmm, probably not considering i don't even like them. BUT...
#16. ...
#17. he's cute.
#18. a pet peeve of mine would be when people constantly have to boast of how "independent" or "different" they are. is it because you strive to find qualities that culturally are anointed as "unique" or "not conforming?" why can't you just like what you like because you like it?
#19. because if it were that easy, everyone would be a "non-conformist." but shouldn't it take more than just a simple "i like ___, because no one else does." do you even like ____? just be you, if you even know who you are.
#20. friends and acquaintances. chances are--you're the latter. meaning, you don't know anything about me, except the judgments you have previously made about my self-established facade.
#21. i'm really proud of my brother. it's so nice to see him smiling all the time.
#22. i'm doing really bad in school :(
#23. i don't want my parents to move to northern california. i'd miss them too much.
#24. i miss you.

(:

i'm starting to see it who really is there for me.